Monday, 8 June 2009

Big Brother 10 UK Day 4

With an accent straight out of Mind Your Language and the manner of a rejected Battersea puppy this future British Indian Prime Minister shows a talent Brit comedians lack: the funny.

Man of the Match

Day 1

The live broadcast ended on Friday with the 16 contestants locked inside the Big Brother house - but they weren’t all housemates. Only two of them, Rodrigo and Niorin, were. This year entry into the house does not guarantee fleeting fame. Yup, the kids are going to have to fight their way into the BB domain. Sound familiar? Or am I the only Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fan who watches BB?

Someone at Endemol has seen The Ultimate Fighter and decided to steal their idea. For the squeamish - The Ultimate Fighter is a reality show where mixed martial artists fight each other for a $100grand contract. First however they have to fight each other to get into the house. It’s a contest. It’s a sport. It’s MMA.

Just because a caveat works in one format doesn’t mean it won’t work in another. Now what kind of fighting can Endemol have this motley crew of extras get up to?



Tasks such as shaving off eyebrows, answering the phone, changing names by deed poll… The Viewing figures keep tumbling down. Just because a caveat works in one format doesn’t mean it will work in another. Endemol should be reported to the RSPCA for flogging a dead horse.

The first night sees Sree cosy up to Saffia. The single mum gave a bitch turn in her VT but next to Sree the suave she’s coming across as a feminine chicklet.

It’s the Sree effect.

I know. I’m gobsmacked too.

Then he got her name wrong. Sophia? SAFFIA.

Angel aka Mother Russia kick starts her game plan – she’s sergeant major to the boot campers. This might not win her favours in the long run but outside the house it could do wonders to her fitness business. Smart.

The kids do a round table; tell all a little about yourself. Sophie talks about lupus. She was diagnosed when she was young and was in recovery when her sister got diagnosed. Sister died three years ago. Sophie’s now the same age as her deceased sister.

Still bitching about the weather?

Day 2

The IRA storms the house and put the prospects through stress positions while the housemates have a full English. Didn’t Endemol promote this kind of divide in previous seasons? It doesn’t end well. Saffia gets dabs on the next task and chooses Charlie and Karly to participate. Tasks involve walking barefoot over broken glass and being run over by a motorbike.


These kids are either that desperate or they’re savvy to Health & Safety.

Regardless there are three new housemates and Sophia is not happy. She thought her and Saffia were friends. After 1 day? In the diary room Saffia expresses guilt. A clueless Karly doesn’t. She’s from Fife.

Cairon and Siavash bond at the smoker’s pit stop. They have to find solace somewhere. They’re being fed gruel while they see the housemates slap it up. Sophie’s the first to break. She goes to the bathroom and cries. Her bra’s too tight, her knickers are too small and the floor she slept on is too hard. All this for fame?

Her reprieve is in the diary room. The voice sounded and she and Freddy rushed there first. Their task was to change their names by deed poll to Dogface and Half-wit.

They did. This makes a mockery of mum and dad and Aunt Beatrice perusing over all those baby names.

This is prime time terrestrial TV by the way.

Sophie is a half wit but that’s not her new name.

Sophia is still smarting over Saffia’s snub. She bitches to Sophie while Saffia rear guard bitches to Karly (who’s all ears by the way). This is the precursor to the house divide.

Day 3

Despair is setting in. As is desperation. The prospects decide to draw lots to see who’ll do the next challenge as opposed to the fools’ gold rush that’s seen the current housemates prosper. It’s a fair proposal. It’s very English.

Cairon is American so he aint down for that. Every individual for hisself. Wolverine isn’t pleased but he keeps his blades to himself. For now. Outside at the smokers pit Cairon tells Siavash the Great Satan and the Axis of Evil can work together with an English (black) rose.

The advantage of having a teenager in the house is he’s as horny as a wilderbeast in the Serengeti. He’s got designs on Dogface and Dublin. Nice choice but I don’t think either of them want to be relegated. Them’s footballer’s tackle.

Sree is so desperate to fit in he takes a cold bath with the housemates. They’re in beach wear he’s in y-fronts. Oh dear. Sophia wins the mad dash to the diary room. Wolverine growls. Listen mate you’re 35. Running around like lunatics is what kids do.

Sophia gathers the prospects. There’s only one housemate spot left after which all remaining prospects are at the mercy of a public vote. Somebody’s going home. The task is some stupidity involving dunking biscuits.

What is dunk-off?

Sophia seems to be a subversive. Like a Bolshevik at Tory HQ she’s soliciting dirt. She’s seen this game before. She’s building a power base.

That Noirin one is gorgeous. As soon as she’s up for eviction she’s outta there.

The results for the dunking challenge are in.

Cairon won.

Sree starts crying like a Tory in ’97. Just like Gazza the public will love him for it but the blondeterage think he’s weak. That backfired on you didn’t it Sree?

He doesn’t want to show his feelings to the housemates and prospects so he goes into the diary room to weep some. Don’t worry Sree. There isn’t that many more watching you from outside the house.

In a long about way he confesses he’s a wimp but he wants to come across to the house (and world) as a self confident extrovert. Like I said; a tory.

With nothing else to do Saffia dresses up bondage style. Or so she claims. It’s just a pair of rubber pants. Halfwit digs it though. Probably reminds him of Oxford.

Karly’s hot.

Angel goes to diary room to break down da? But she strong like bool. Like mighty Soviet army that lost cold war. It’s amazing what the bait of fame will do to people. Soon we’ll see what they’re prepared to do to other people. Lisa, bless, does a good job of comforting Angel.

Sree reminds me of Romance (I Love New York 1). He’s that earnest and clueless.

The cold war between Sophia and Saffia continues.

A performer. She did drama. I tell ya.

She must have done. Joker she is.”

That alone should have clinched man of the match (MOTM) status for our little spitfire but Sree isn’t done yet. Neither is Saffia. Now she’s in the diary room.

I think possibly Teen Wolf or Sophia.

Sophia my best friend.”

Clearly Endemol is stirring it.

TFi: Conflict is drama - in fiction. In reality conflict is ugly. These Endemol people. They never learn.

Dogface talks about a subject she’s an expert in.

My natural boobs were double ‘F’.”

I predict a riot.

The prelims are over. At the end of Day 4 we have a live eviction:

“In no particular order…” Davina calls out Angel.

Next is Sophia.

Notice who’s the first to welcome her. Real or fake? I think Saffia wants to bury the hatchet that Sophia’s brandishing.

I don’t think Sree can hold out much longer. Paramedics at the ready please.

It’s Marcus. Who’s next?

This part’s a no brainer really.

The kids give Benazir a beautiful send off. That’s what you get for wearing traditional Pakistani clothes to the launch. Goodbye to Big Brother and welcome to BNP Britain.

Her exit interview with Davina was a farce.

Davina promises another eviction on Friday night. TFi promises another update before then.

Read more Thrill Fiction: Big Brother 10 UK Day 1

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