Friday, 5 June 2009

Big Brother UK Day 1

When the football season ends Big Brother UK begins. Its the summer. At least on Channel 4. Despite the economic downturn Davina McCall still has a job. She squawks at the camera and if this country resembled anything like a meritocracy she would be plucking chickens in a poultry farm annoying illegal immigrants instead of license payers.
The illegals have the option to leave. The rest of us are stuck here.

Its 2009, as good a year as a 10th anniversary could ask for. It’s one of those alternate years between the World Cup and the European Nations. Sans mega sporting distractions Channel 4 better hope the dismal viewing figures shoot up. Production house Endemol is putting these 16 eggs into the BB basket.

Freddy is a toff.

This is his house.

Do you like him yet?

Money can’t buy you fame but it can buy you ridicule. Tally ho old chap.

The audience boo him as he enters the BB house. Davina tells us he’s planning to run as a local councillor. Judging by the size of his pile he’s the only constituent.

Lisa is an unemployed Brummie – a fine example of an oxymoron. She’s a tattooed pierced dyke but she’s no suicide girl. Her boast is she likes turning straight women gay.

If you’ve ever viewed adult entertainment you’ll know that isn’t a notable achievement.

The audience boo her too. Gay equals good. Lesbian equals not so good.

Sophie is the requisite totti.

Some men like stereotypes.

Big Brother: “What’s the capital of Uruguay?”

Sophie: “’U’.”

I think I like her too.

She’s done Playboy, has got fake tits wears a weave and owns a rat dog.

I don’t like her that much.

More boos from the audience. Spot on.

Kris is my hometown boy so I suppose I should give him some support but the kid brings nothing to the table. I think he’s eye-candy for the girls.

This aint Hollywood.

Noirin is the Oirish delegate. Her dad was a missionary and used his position to convert her Kenyan mum. 9 months later this popped out.

Why is everyone booing her?

Kris does not boo her.

Neither do I.

Cairon is the youngest. Like Darnell last year he’s a US transplant back in birth place Blighty. Think Elizabeth Taylor, Cary Grant, Lennox Lewis. Only that lot had the good sense to stay away.

BB asks him if he’s gay.

Cairon: “I feel kind of weird just wiping my own ass”.

Remember Shabba Ranks? Day 1 and Endemol are trying to sully the token black guy.

Cairon used to chat up women but ever since he came back to this country he doesn’t have to. The girls fall for his accent. It’s the Superman syndrome; like Gerard Depardieu in Green Card.

The audience cheer him. Result.

Once inside the house the two white guys – Kris and Freddy – call him ‘man’; something they haven’t called each other. Is that what they teach whites in diversity class?

The Russians are coming!

Her name is Angel. Not her real name it transpires. Angel looks like she was part of the 1976 Olympic shot putting team. She come here to spread word of fitness da? She used to be a pop star in her country. Perhaps the best known of the Russian oeuvre.

The crowd boo her.

They should run from her.

Next in the house is Karly.

She’s 21, unemployed and from Fife. This is more my speed.

She thinks her best feature is her arse and regards herself as a 10 in looks. I did mention she’s from Fife. She likes footballers. Her ex is a Scottish third division player.


That’s like my lot playing Sunday league after a two-day bender.

A self proclaimed ‘high street honey’ she was once duped into posing nude and Simon Cowell is her dream man. This is what Colen McCloughlin used to be. The audience boo her.

I’m taking a slip road. This is not my speed.

Marcus is a comic book nerd who lives at home with his mum. No one said nerds are stupid.

Round house applause from the audience. This is what a Brit looks like in a wifebeater.

One of my top picks for now.

Benazir is a Pakistani Muslim. So what?

Turns out her dad was one of the late Benazir Bhutto’s pals. Like her he had to escape to Blighty and named his daughter after the former prime minister.

Said daughter goes on big brother.

No boos though.

She enters and the girls don’t notice her.

She’s not competition.

Sophie is 4’ 11’. What’s the female version of Napoleon? A Tasmanian devil. ‘Cos if you’re that small you got to compensate to get noticed right? Poor dear used to have lupus but she’s alright now. Except that the treatment which included steroids blew her up. It’s left her with stretch marks. I noticed them on her arms.

Poor baby.

So she’s got the sympathy and the personality vote. Can a black girl win BB?

Remember Makosi.

The audience applaud with jubilation. She’s my top pick and front runner.

Davina: “She’s the first girl that has been unanimously cheered. Which is quite a feat.”

Especially coming from you.

Rodrigo thinks if Obama can get into the White House he can get into Big Brother. Rodrigo is gay. So he should have no trouble getting into Big Brother.

He’s from Sao Paulo Brazil and seems enchanted with Britain.

Rodrigo: “In Brazil when you born poor you die poor.”

I bet Rodrigo has never been out of London.

Rodrigo: “I love this country more than English people sometimes.”

Isso e correto.

Why wouldn’t the crowd cheer?

Charlie is from Newcastle but that doesn’t stop him being gay.

He’s roundly applauded by the crowd: he’s one of the front runners. The blondterage – Sophie, Karly and Noirin – swarm him. So much for gaydar.

Saffia interviews like a person looking for trouble in an isolation tank. She’s got two kids – a 6 year old and a 7 month old and two baby daddies. Natch. Why anyone other than Ulrika Johnson would leave a baby to go gallivanting for a potential three months is beyond me and human decency.

What? Oh she’s doing it for the kids.

This’ll hurt me more than it’ll hurt you.

They boo her. As they should. My hope pick for 1st out.

Sree is a foreign student from India which means Channel 4 is still smarting over the Shilpa Shetty debacle. They should be. They were disgraceful.

I haven’t forgiven them.

Sree is a politician in the making.

One with poor judgment. He’d fit right in at Westminster.

The crowd mostly cheer. He deserved the few boos.

Last one in is Siavash.

Because every show deserves a prick.

On his way in he tells the camera crew to get out of the way of the press.


The crowd boo him. It doesn’t matter. Finally. He’s famous.

Inside he tells Angel they’re going to be very good friends. He may be the only person to ever tell Angel that. I’m surprised she doesn’t break down in tears.

Siavash notices Rodrigo shares his love of ‘fake tan’.

Rodrigo no speak good English but I’m sure he knows that wasn’t a compliment.

I’ve changed my mind. I like Siavash.

Now that the wannabes are locked in the public can briefly forget about the economic downturn and political crisis and vent their fury via the phone vote.

Apparently two of the contestants will be let go on Sunday. They’re not being evicted because they’re not housemates. Yet. Or something. Davina’s babbling but who cares?

Let’s see who the public don’t like and I will post it all on Monday.

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