The 20 Best Horror Films

Five months ago I posted The 10 Best Horror Films. The article determines not how great the individual film is but how great a horror film it is. Those movies serve as an indicator of my taste. This is my criteria:

• Story eg A lynched child killer haunts the children of his murderers to their deaths.
• Plot eg Police investigate ritual murders that are reminiscent of a deceased serial killer (Exorcist 3).
• Actor(s) eg Do I connect? Do I care? Do I believe? Yes. Her name is Heather Langenkamp.

Such elements make for a good movie. The following added criteria make for repeated viewing ie a great movie.

• Moments eg Frankenstein (1931) throws a little girl into a river thinking she would float.
• Music – John Carpenter, Candyman (1990), The Exorcist (1973).
• The Big Bad eg Freddy Kruger.

Pacing, atmosphere and lighting serve to enhance the experience. Of course these elements cannot exist without story however they can turn good film into great film eg Halloween (1978).

Horror exists within its own genre. There are notable movies that will not make the Thrill Fiction list. The sci-fi or the thriller does not become horror simply because it is scary. Horror is intent – it is not incident. Thus with scant respect for the misinterpretation by the mainstream media here is a number of noteworthy exceptions;

• Psycho 1960 – psychological thriller
• The Thing 1982 – sci-fi
• The Fly 1986 – sci-fi
• Jaws 1975 - thriller
• Alien 1979 – sci-fi
• Invasion of the Body Snatchers 1956 – sci-fi
• The Stepford Wives 1972 - psychological drama
• Pans Labyrinth 2006 - fantasy
• Les Diaboliques 1955 - psychological drama
• Spoorloos 1988- psychological drama

Cinema is the art of story telling with moving pictures - it is a communal experience akin to tales round the campfire. As a child I sat on the floor with my peers in a semi-circle around Mrs Hulme. She read us The Pied Piper.

It haunts me still.

20 Night of the Living Dead 1990 US

I was born in the year of the original ergo I can only see its impact through the eyes of others. One can view the documentary The American Nightmare^[1] (2000) to appreciate that impact. Horror bears witness: John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, Wes Craven, George A Romero, David Cronenberg. There are others.

The original was a commentary of their time. Their time was a pre-democracy United States where a segment of its own citizens were denied the vote and state sponsored terrorised for demanding it. Their time was Vietnam. The assassination of Dr Martin Luther King. The Democratic National Convention in Chicago. The Cold War.

Our time is different.

Our horrors remain the same.

The remake follows the trajectory of the original. However unlike Psycho (1998) this is not a scene-for-scene carbon copy. An update is an apt description. Yet removed from the social political context of ‘68 this version was in danger of being a boo! movie. Scared ya. That’s all.

Ben: “You can be boss down there.

I’m boss up here.”

1990 was the year Nelson Mandela walked out of apartheid prison. In this film a black man and a white man fight over territory.

There is context. There is Tony Todd, Patricia Tallman and Tom Towles. With a bigger budget comes better actors and production. The three leads have chemistry that combusts this movie. Tallman is one of few credible successors to Sigourney Weaver and Towles brings the conflict to life. And death.

Night of the Living Dead (1990) does not have the same cultural impact as its original. It is the better movie regardless.

19 Halloween 1978 US

It’s the most important horror film in the last 30 years. Every slasher movie since is a direct descendant and every torture porn flick a poor relative. The set up is concise, the build up is involving and the pay off rewarding. Michael Myers switches from maniac to monster behind Laurie Strode’s back and an icon is born. Despite the sequels and the remakes every year has only one Halloween.

18 Invasion of the Body Snatchers 1978 US

The original, made in 1956, is not a horror film. It is classic^[2] cinema that serves as an allegory of McCarthyism and communism. This '78 version was also adapted from the novel The Body Snatchers by Jack Finney. The point is Finney wrote a great story. The remake, like the original, is a great adaptation.

Director Phillip Kaufman filmed this version as horror. Backed by an alarmist score his camera induces anxiety, paranoia and claustrophobia. The protagonists are trapped indoors and out. The great city of San Francisco is in lockdown. They are pursued to despair and exhaustion by the authorities/lynch mobs. There is no escape.

Nancy: “Don’t fall asleep.”

A word of praise to the cast including Kevin McCarthy in perhaps the best movie cameo ever.

Thrillers and horror are guilty of the ‘surprise ending’. This device is overwhelmingly abused and contrived. The surprise ending in this film is in the same league as that in Planet of the Apes. The original. Not the remake.

17 Les Yeux Sans Visage 1960 FRANCE

Every vampire needs a watchdog. Its human helper. Its collaborator. It’s Uncle Tom. Alida Valli harvests young girls for her master. Dr Génessier processes them a la Frankenstein. His daughter is the vampire.

What kind of culture goes to such macabre lengths to obtain and maintain beauty^[3]? By implication do these people not envy the young and the pretty? Do they not hate them? It is not beauty the vampire achieves. It is a ghoulish visage.

Eyes Without a Face is a ghoul story of despair, desperation and madness. Though its score is disarming the film is eerie in almost every scene. I cannot think of a movie more perfect for a Hollywood makeover. It is more socially relevant now than it was in 1960. There is even a torture porn scene. Once witnessed it can never be forgotten.

This type of film does not frighten. It horrifies.

16 The Others 2001 SPAIN/US

I dislike Nicole Kidman. I saw what all the fuss was about in Dead Calm (1989) or rather I didn’t see what all the fuss was about. This woman remained in leading roles flop after flop^[4]. She divorced Tom Cruise too late. The damage was done. The public had been beaten into submission.

Then along came The Others.

This is haunted house story is set in Jersey, an island in the English Channel. Americans can’t do English accents but this Australian does one pretty well. No one can build houses like the English be they castles, manors or mansions. This is a big house filmed in candlelight and shadows.

There are two children; a wee boy and a girl. These child actors are not Hollywood kids. They act like real kids. They see ghosts. Mother – Nicole – does not. She does however see doors open that she has locked. She hears the piano playing. The curtains are ripped down. It’s not the servants. It’s not the kids.

I don’t like Nicole Kidman. I was rooting for her 100% in this movie. She gives a bravura performance; tension racked, highly strung, anxious, stressful, obstinate. With ash blonde hair she is actually quite beautiful in a quiet way. After watching this film I had to concede what the Hollywood press continue to blab about: she is a talented actor. The Others is tragic, romantic, gothic. The reveal is shattering. It’s been done before and since. This is how it should be done.

15 Ju-On 2: The Grudge 2003 JAPAN

It helps to have seen Ju-On: The Grudge but even if not this ghost story spooks from the first scene. There is a two ghost onslaught that is both mute and malevolent. Nothing is beyond their hatred not even the unborn.

Like its predecessor this is a portmanteau film with each section interconnected and overlapping another. How many years have passed since the original film is unclear but enough for a TV crew enter the haunted house to film a documentary. The leads of each section will have to face the ghosts but Chiharu’s haunting is the worst. The school girl pays the piper for wanting to be a movie star.

This is J-horror at its best. The motifs and techniques have been copied and plundered all over Asian and North American cinema. In time it will be regarded a classic. This is a film made with one purpose – to induce horror. It does so inventively and relentlessly.

It is genre purity.

14 Zombie Flesh Eaters 1979 ITALY

“’The key to exploitation cinema is,’ Roger Corman

always says, ‘you get someone who wants to

be Visconti or Fellini or Antonioni and you get

them to make Stripped to Kill 3.’”

Mark Kermode^[5]

Also known as Zombi 2 in the US this film is exploitation, nasty and inspired. Despite its notoriety and lurid telling it is plot that makes this film great. Like Halloween its trajectory is laser precision. There are no plot holes, lapses of logic or leaps of faith.

Though plot and story are rated 10 the acting is not. Bear in mind this is a low budget flick; you get monkeys – and Mia Farrow’s sister – for peanuts. Be that as it may horror fans are prepared to overlook shoddy acting. It comes with the genre.

An unmanned boat drifts into New York harbour. It is her father’s boat and Ann Bowles is duly worried. Along with a newspaper reporter she journeys to father’s last known whereabouts: an island in the Caribbean where the locals fear to tread.

If the plot is the star then the score is the scene stealer. Giorgio Tucci and Fabio Frizzi create a rhythmic, haunting and menacing masterpiece. It is better than the Carpenter score for Halloween.

Director Lucio Fulci opens strong and imbues the whole film with tension. His camera tracks the twitches and the terror as it comes. Despite the thrust of the pace the first encounter with the island zombies is a visual ambush. There are other set pieces; the curtain raiser, the shark attack, the graveyard, the last stand. The most infamous one was banned in Britain in 1984 and remains so today. I’m fortunate enough to have watched the uncensored cut. The eyeball piercing is not one shot. It’s a whole scene.

Some horror films do exactly what it says on the tin. There is no agenda, no subtext, no subplot. For better or worse. Intelligent zombie films are too few and far between. What Zombie Flesh Eaters^[6] lacks in insight it makes up for in verve.

13 Peeping Tom 1960 UK

Britain raved upon the release of Reservoir Dogs (1992) then Empire magazine^[7] reviewed City on Fire (1987). Regardless Britain still raved. America raved over Scream (1996) despite When a Stranger Calls (1979). To watch the opening scene of Peeping Tom is to question your own knowledge. Just how good is John Carpenter’s Halloween?

The movie opens with a POV camera stalking a trusting girl.

He kills her.

In 1960 the celebrated Alfred Hitchcock was in America and made Psycho. The celebrated Michael Powell stayed in Britain and made Peeping Tom. It ruined his career^{[8] [9]}. The establishment hated the film. They buried it. In 1996 I went to London to pick up my Carl Foreman Award. I met the critic Alexander Walker (deceased). He was a lovely man to me. He was the hangman of Peeping Tom.

In 1979 Martin Scorsese helped re-release the film to a wider audience in New York. Its status increased and improved. This very British film does have a Hollywood ending; by the time of his death in 1990 Powell was rehabilitated and once more revered.

As far as the movie itself is concerned there’s a term we have in wrestling - mark out.

The Criterion Collection DVD^[10] contains the documentary A Very British Psycho. Buy it. Own it forever. This is a work of genius.

12 The Wicker Man 1973 UK

Storytelling is best depicted in the novel. Cinema may well be best sourced from the novel^[11]. This movie is a story of occupation, colonialism and imperialism. That such an obscure British film has endured for so long is testament to the quality of its tale. In recent years there has been a rediscovery and upsurge in its popularity. Along came Hollywood with the remake treatment.

Lord Summerilse: “Come. It is time to keep your

appointment with the Wicker Man.”

11 The Exorcist 1973 US

Adapted from the novel by William Peter Blatty and directed by wunderkind William Friedkin this is possibly the most infamous horror film of all time. During the 20^th century my experience of this movie was urban myth. Warner Bros withdrew it from the UK video market in 1986 due to the video nasties scare^[12]. They had no choice. It would have been banned otherwise. In 1999 a new regime arrived at the censors. Warner Bros submitted the film for classification and it was passed uncut. I got to watch it for the first time.

Legend has it priests sprinkled holy water on patrons upon its ’73 release. During screenings it is said people vomited, fainted and fled. The furore resulted in an increase in church attendances. I’m a (lapsed) Pentecostal Christian. I can see why.

Science has scant answers for the occurrences in the universe. Have you ever broken a dream? All the scientific community can do is superimpose a hypothesis over the facts. Rarely do they say ‘I don’t know’. Ditto the medical profession. Thus we have the voodoo science of psychiatry/psychology and diagnosis such as bi-polar, schizophrenia, Munchausen’s syndrome et cetera. The ‘cures’ are worse: lobotomy, shock treatment, opiates.

Regan MacNeil suffers the carousel of witch doctors until one of them suggests a priest. The demon within her fights back. The war between good and evil is fought over the body of a child.

The Exorcist is a work of fiction. Based on fact. You the viewer have the God given free will to believe what you choose. I believe The Exorcist is a great horror film.

Mark Kermode believes it is the greatest film ever made.

Storytelling is the n^th degree of communication. Horror films afford us the thrill of fear with no consequence. Between 2003 and 2008 135 horror flicks were theatrically released in North America. Hundreds more on DVD^[13]. The boom continues. Undoubtedly so will this list.

I want to thank DTW once again for pointing me to The Wicker Man and Ricky Sprague for pointing out Les Yeux Sans Visage. You’re a friend. I’d also like to thank my girrl Lex, thanks to Dominic, Carly, the kid Cody and D Dumond. The top 10 was fun. Oh and Kiriyama? I don’t thank you.

Last but not least my gratitude to everyone who took the time to read The 10 Best Horror Films. Blogging is a form of communication too. I want your feedback and your thoughts as horrifying as they may well be.

I’m a fan. Like you are.

Read more Thrill Fiction: Re/Made – The Last House on the Left

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I Love Money 106

The Stallionaires are on vacation in Huatulco, Mexico. The Gold Team girls want to be their friends and even a stint in the strong box is just a jolly day out.

What could go wrong?

This week's MVP

Behold the Hauserman.

Girls Love Money Too

Megan surveys the gameshow’s landscape and decides to scramble before the challenge.

“I came up with this great plan to

stay in the game.”

She recruits Toastee and Pumkin into a four girl core alliance.

A secret four-girl alliance.

“It’s a hard call here because I don’t

like Megan.”

Neither does Pumkin.

“Megan is very manipulative and I do not

think I can trust her. But me and Toastee

are tight and if we need to use her we will.”

It’s that time to choose new team captains. Brandi C hasn’t been captain before so the Greens choose their most pathetic weakest player.

Over confident or game over?

The Gold girls choose Pumkin. 12p, Heather and The Entertainer think it’s a team decision.

Regardless

Game over. Green Team lose. Again.

“Yeah we lost. Hopefully it shouldn’t

matter. Right now our alliance is

untouchable. Brandi C. Megan:

one of them got to go.”

Scrambling is always better when you're one step ahead.

“Me and Brandi will probably be in the

box but one of the boys will have

to be in there too.”

“I think Megan is a conniving bitch. But

strategically it might be better to

eliminate one of the boys.”

(The next day) inside the vault. Brandi C knows the drill.

“We do this everyday. We go to a challenge.

We lose. We wake up the next morning.

We go to the vault. Three people go in

the box and it’s usually me.”

Who else?

“Being that I’m such a big target and I’ve

always been public enemy number

one I can’t be in that box.”

They're going nowhere slowly. So with 10 minutes left Chance decides to roll call.

Chance: “Who wants Brandi C in the box?”

Chance: “Who wants Megan?”

“Then me and Brandi pick you.”

Gulp.

Or not?

“See most of the Gold Team loves me.

We have fun. We drink. And they

really can’t stand Megan.”

Craig calls in Gold Team and lets them know who’s on the chopping block.

“Megan? Come on. I wanted Whiteboy

in the box. I don’t understand how this

kid keeps skipping the box especially

when there’s two brothers on the team.”

Hint:

“We trust Pumkin. Everything’s cool.”

He could be right.

“Pumkin thinks if she sends home Chance

that she’ll be the number one target for turning

on them and they’ll get her out of here next.

I think I’m going home tonight.”

The power outing’s at a spa. Bonanza for the girls.

“I don’t really know why Chance is in such

a bad mood but he’s not saving himself

by being rude to everybody.”

Chance? Save himself?

I Love New York Chance & Mom Argue

The pampering over it’s time to eat and beg.

“I’m not here to butter you up Pumkin man.

I thought we were already seeing eye to eye.”

Chance you forgot about the Megan factor.

Megan: “Shut the Chance up.”

She picks a fight with Chance at the dinner table. That’s not hard to do by the way. You could pick a fight with Chance in an isolation tank.

“I really want to talk to Pumkin alone because

Chance – I don’t want him to hear

my master plan.”

Chance can’t hear anything right now.

“I almost gave the code word. If I had a

phone I would have said, ‘Whiteboy drown

the pooch. We are on the way back. I want

a dead pooch floating on our arrival.

Drown that pooch’.”

Megan gets her mastermind time.

“I did kind of want to talk to her a little more

one-on-one because I’m kinda starting to

warm up to the idea of being in an

alliance with them.”

Megan goes to work. She buries Chance – “the way he treats us - like garbage – is the way he’ll treat you” and strokes Pumkin – “if that means you want us to throw the next challenge then we will”.

“Megan actually makes a good point. But it

could become a problem later on because

she’s definitely such a back stabber.”

Back at the mansion Chance frets to Whiteboy. Hoopz pledges her allegiance to the Stallionaires.

As does Toastee.

The eliminations

“You know at first it was really scary. Now

I kinda got it down. I’m hoping that since

I’ve been saved three times – twice,

wait. Is this my fourth time?”

Craig wants to know Pumkin – who gets the first cheque?

“Pumkin gives the first cheque to Brandi C.

Cool. But why the hell am I still here? I feel

like I’m supposed to be the first cheque given.”

“See on the power outing me and Pumkin

made a deal. I am scared Pumkin’s not

going to stick with it ‘cos she’s so

scared of everybody else.”

“Part of me thinks Megan should go home

tonight because I can’t stand her.”

“Saggy boobs suck.”

“But part of me thinks that Chance should

go home tonight because he is part of

the strongest alliance in the house.”

Craig wants to know.

Pumkin: “Megan can you come here please.”

You what?

“I eliminated Chance. Me. All on my own.

I eliminated a Stallionaire.”

“For a split second I felt so powerful. But

then I became terrified.”

“Pumkin’s definitely a target now. There’s

no doubt about that.”

“BEEYATCH!”

Next Sunday on I Love Money:

Read more Thrill Fiction: I Love Money 105

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I Love Money 105

$¼million was a lot of money in 2008. Such a cash injection can change anyone’s life. It’s worth playing for. It’s worth winning. That’s the goal. What’s the plan?

This week’s MVP

because although power corrupts but it also entices.

The Toastmaster

Last week saw the implementation of the 12p plan: infiltrate the opposing team and have the collaborators throw the challenge. Unfortunately for 12p it exploded in his he-man face. His Gold Team wanted Destiney gone yet he had her stay over Boston.

Guess what? Gold Team still want her gone.

“12p didn’t listen. He’s a traitor. I really want to

talk to the Stallionaires because they’re strong

people. Good to have them on my side.”

Thus the Gold Team girls make their own power move.

This is what remains of 12p’s alliance.

“You really know you like a girl when you

have to fart and you hold it in.”

Oh dear.

“I’m a little uneasy this morning because I

feel like most of my team is against me.

And I’ve kind of felt this way since day 1.”

No. It’s been this way since you had a go at Chance.

Everyone knows why.

With Destiney as bullseye does it matter who’s going to be Green captain? No. So they choose Real.

Over at Gold Toastee is a little more subtle.

“If we win I get to send someone from the

Green Team packing. But if we lose I get

to put the three traitors in the bottom.”

They don’t even know.

The challenge involves crying. Shedding tears. It’s the Crying Game. The of Love shows are notorious for their emotionally imbalanced contestants. In this challenge the first team to weep tears from all six members wins. Gold Team has an extra body.

“I’m glad to see Hoopz sit out. It’s like, can

she even produce a tear?”

Yes

but you’d need to fly in Brigitte Neilson for effect.

Green Team lose. Again.

What’s the opposite of scrambling? Whining. On the bus ride home Destiney wants to know who’s going to vote her in the box.

The Stallionaires.

A baby spits out its dummy. This is what a Destiney does:

“I just feel like so many people in this house

hate me and they want me out of this

house and it just – it hurts my feelings.

I’m human you know.”

No you’re not.

“My only hope of staying is reminding

Toastee I had her back and she

promised me that she’d have mine.”

Tonight is a non-elimination night. What do you do if you’re the most powerful chick in Huatulco, Mexico?

What do you do if you’re not?

The Entertainer has a plan.

I know.

He’s going to fake a fight between him and Destiney. She’s going to be upset and run to the girls for comfort. That way she’ll have something in common with them. They’ll welcome her into the ‘I ♥ The Entertainer’ club and think she’s no longer with him.

I Know.

Destiney thinks it’s a good plan.

I know.

If you’re not the most powerful chick in Huatulco, Mexico what do you do on a non-elimination night?

Oh and about that plan…

The next day is vault day. From hereon in Craig will stay inside the strong room with them to make sure there are no more Mr Bostons.

Poor Craig.

“I decided to put myself in the box because

I couldn’t cry yesterday and I think I’m safe.”

“So I didn’t shed a tear I will put

my own self in that bitch.”

“I don’t know why Real is acting so confident

right now. There’s still a chance he’s going

home and if Toastee does the smart thing

and sends the strongest person home

he’ll be gone.”

“I fell like a pimp. Being paymasters

pretty sweet in fact I think I’m the

Toastmaster now.”

Time for a power outing. Snorkelling is the fun of the day.

“I’ve never snorkelled before. This is the coolest

thing I’ve ever done. It’s so beautiful. There’s

yellow fish. There’s black and white fish.

I hope there’s no sharks in this water.”

“I’m starting to wish I never put

myself in that damn box.”

After his near death experience a sea-horse has to eat.

Toastee: “Do you (Destiney) have an

alliance with people in this house?”

Destiney: “’Course I do.”

Destiney plays her trump card. Her only card.

She reminds Toastee of her quid pro quo promise to save her.

Wrong play.

Has anyone ever demanded something of you – and justified that demand by a guilt trip reminder of what she’s done for you? Calling in a favour doesn’t have to be antagonistic.

To bolster her point she throws Real under the bus.

“Destiney. Your ass is out. Heat gone.

Boston gone. Now Destiney gone.

Stallionaires. We about to win

this whole thing.”

Back at the mansion The Entertainer wants to talk.

The Entertainer: “If you make that move

and Real is gone that would be a big,

big, big blow to their team.”

Big.

“I’ll be making the biggest move in
the history if I send Real

home tonight.”

Oh. The power.

Toastee calls a Gold Team meeting. She’s the paymaster. She can do that.

Toastee: “The other night I wanted Destiney to

go home ‘cos I thought she was the strongest

out of the three. I think it’s obvious who’s the

strongest out of the three is.”

“What the hell is she thinking?”

“What the censored is she thinking?”

Uh-oh. Mutiny.

When the paymaster doesn’t do what the team want her to do… Didn’t Toastee learn anything from 12p’s mistake? Or is that what power does to you?

Real: “Man if I go home I’m a cry man.”

Cry baby.

Eliminations.

Craig asks The Entertainer – if Destiney goes tonight will you go with her?

“I NEED THIS MONEY!”

First cheque goes to the strong box filler.

Who stays? Who goes?

“I just found out that Destiney and Toastee

had this little alliance from day one. So now

man I don’t know what to think.”

“The smarter move for Toastee in my opinion

is to send Real home ‘cos he’s the stronger

person. If she sends me home then it’s

obvious it’s a personal vendetta

against me and The Entertainer.”

No. Just you.

Toastee: “Real I don’t like seeing you up

there sweating okay kid?”

I knew Toastee wouldn’t let power corrupt her. Porn? Well that’s a different question.

Talking about the corrupt:

“I don’t play dirty. I just don’t. So I think

that’s why I’m leaving so soon.”

Delusional. Soon to be a single parent.

“I feel really safe right now that I’m in an

alliance with some of the strongest

players in this game.”

That’s how you pay the master.

Next Sunday on I Love Money:

Read more Thrill Fiction: I Love Money 106

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I Love Money 104

What if you woke up one morning and found yourself surrounded by 6.5 billion idiots?

In Big Brother (US) season 5 Nakomis engineered the six-finger plan. It changed the way the game is played.

In Huatulco, Mexico 12p formulated his own plan.

Who needs 6.5 billion idiots when there's more than enough in I Love Money?

This weeks MVP

for a lasting legacy.

The 12 Pack Plan

12p decides to take the bull by the bullocks. The Entertainer screwed up last week by getting rid off love rival Heat. Love rival Heat was one of 12p’s (and Gold Team) allies.

Here is the 12p plan.

“12 Pack comes to me in the morning to

throw the challenge. And I’m thinking

this is a good idea because I don’t

like Whiteboy anyway.”

“I agree with Boston. We need to break

up the Stallionaires. They think they’re

running our team. I want to make as

many alliances as possible.

We’ll see what happens.”

Recruiting Destiney was like selling porn to the perverts. She can’t wait to backstab Chance. Once again the Stallionaires are in the crosshairs.

Time to vote in new team captains. Of course the Gold Team votes according to the 12p plan. For some reason this induces barking-like noises from the Entertainer.

“The Entertainer is completely retarded.”

While over on the Green Team

“Yeah we’ll let Chance be captain. That

way when we throw the challenge

it’ll look like it was his fault.”

Green Team loses. Again.

“So we threw the challenge. The Green Team

lost and now 12 Pack has to hold up his

side of the deal and get rid of Whiteboy.”

After losing a challenge weaker people would cry.

“I was not expecting to have Chance and

Whiteboy in my bedroom. I got nervous.

I’m thinking maybe word got out about

our plan to throw the challenge. I’m

thinking that I may be in some trouble.”

Megan: “Boston. He never stands up for himself.

I thought that he was just stupid but

he’s like stupid and pathetic.”

Even the pathetic need to cleanse after abuse.

Is Boston a genuine perv? Or does he have no respect for a porno chick?

“This is so typical of Boston. He’s just a

dirty weasel. I am so pissed off and

grossed out that I’m about to kill.”

Whilst on I Love New York Whiteboy didn’t embarrass himself once. Here’s why:

Whiteboy: “Basically I got to talk to Megan and

try to find out first of all if in fact she did

sabotage the team today.”

but he doesn’t accuse her of anything.

He does tell her she needs his strength over Boston and Brandi C’s weakness.

Greed is a greater motivator than fear.

“When it comes to strategy and gameplay

Whiteboy is definitely stronger

than Boston.”

The next day

Megan: “Boston, Brandi C and Destiney

are going in the box.”

I think Megan just joined the Stallionaires.

Now it’s her job to handle the conspirators.

Brandi C is a porno chick. Ie in this life she’s looking for someone to tell her she’s pretty - someone to latch onto: someone to tell her what to do.

Mr Boston is not a porno chick.

The vault.

Real: “Who thinks Chance should go in the box?”

Shut up bitch.

Real: “Who thinks Destiney should go in the box?”

Real: ”Who thinks Whiteboy should go in the box?”

“I can’t believe I formed an alliance with

Boston. This guy has no backbone.”

Boston in the box?

“At this point everything around me is

falling apart.”

Mr Boston has been out manoeuvred. He’s outnumbered. He’s outgunned.

“I’m refusing to put my cheque in the box.

I know if I hold out long enough 12 Pack

will add Whiteboy to the box. I mean

I just don’t know if I can do it.”

You can’t.

If you can’t stand up to men

“So Boston completely flips out trying to

scare us and scream at us.

It was terrible.”

Craig comes in with the Gold Team. As funny as Mr Boston is he was really aggressive with Megan and Brandi C in there. He’s that much of a tough guy he doesn’t stay in the vault to accept his nomination.

“I am so pissed. I wanted Whiteboy in the box

he’s not in the box. I’ve got three of my

alliances [sic] in the box. Someone betrayed

me and I’m going to find out who.”

Mr Boston is waiting outside.

Poor baby. He’ll scream at Brandi C but he’ll cry at getting outplayed.

12 Pack shows a maturity that doesn’t belong on reality television. He soothes Boston and persuades him to go along to the power outing.

12p attempts to debrief his conspirators

My. Mr Boston is more of a bitch than Megan gave him contempt for. However Brandi C still has some explaining to do.

“Now 12 Pack’s pissed at me thinking that

I backed out on our original plan –

I’m going home.”

12p gives Mr Boston the 15 minutes one-on-one to explain the vault. After which

“I still think 12 Pack trusts me more than

the two girls but I don’t know if it’s

enough for him to keep me around.”

Back at the mansion 12p calls a team meeting because unlike the Entertainer he’s a democratically inclined leader.

Who should get the bounce tonight?

Oh and by the way – Destiney’s staying.

“It definitely caught me off guard when

12 Pack says he gave Destiney his word.

I really wasn’t completely aware of that

alliance so definitely my guard is up now.”

On Charm school Toastee was a mouse. Who taught her to speak up for herself?

“FYI your team wants Destiney out.”

Uh-oh. Mutiny.

“Whoever goes home at this time it’s

going to hurt me. No matter what.”

The eliminations

Craig gets the ceremony rolling but who loves money more than a prostitute porno chick? Brandi C is playing for $250k.

She grasses everyone up. Even Megan.

“I pretty much orchestrated everything

that went down in the vault. But

Whiteboy is not supposed to know

I was a part of throwing that challenge

today. Brandi needs to shut up.”

“So basically every last one of these people

who tried to bamboozle me got they ass

stuck in the box. Karma is a bitch.”

And Whiteboy is a counter strategist.

What follows next is a slag fest between Brandi C and Mr Boston

but this blog is G rated.

12p had a brilliant idea; recruit members of the Green Team to sabotage the Green Team from within. Destiney is the only Green left he can trust. She gets the first cheque.

“So it’s down to me and Brandi. I just hope

12 Pack knows he should keep the

smart guy around rather than the

skanky porn star.”

“I think I’m going home.”

It’s 12p’s choice.

“Brandi C is an idiot. So if she’s going to

stay it’s simply for the fact she’s

just useless.”

Take away privileges and prejudices: in a kill-to-eat world Mr Boston, despite his wit and intellect, is prey.

He starts crying again.

Next week on I Love Money:

Read more Thrill Fiction: I Love Money 105

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