Monday, 29 June 2009

Big Brother UK Day 21

(Wo)Man of the Match

Because I admire a lunatic who can function in a mad house.

Sree and Rodrigo converse in the bedroom. Last night at the dinner table Sree drank more booze than was due him. Trouble is after Noirin instigated a Peoples Court Angel grassed him up. Cue Sree lying against the facts until Lisa saved him by basically saying it’s not his fault he’s a lying thief.

Sree wants to go home.

Like Michelle Heaton.

Rodrigo is not having it. Rodrigo doesn’t ruffle feathers and he won’t have his ruffled. The Brazilian babyface is a bulls hit detector and he will call it out. Listening to these two foreigners speaky the English is like listening to the dialogue in a Rocco Siffredi film. Only this is Big Brother so don’t expect too much moral decency.

Out in the garden Sree bends Lisa’s ear. It sounds more like conspiracy to vote to me but this is what Sree does and this is what BB lets him get away with: He campaigns to turn people against each other.

Like a virus. Sree is a socially transmitted disease but Lisa doesn’t need infecting. Her game is going to plan. Sree’s targeting Siavash and Marcus. Lisa concurs; “They’re powerful”.

Sree declares there are two camps and he wants to go to war. Lisa declines. Her plan this week is gang up on Angel.

It’s not necessary. Angel is nose diving into non-existence like Soviet Union all of her own loony volition. She and Dublin – her secret crush – are alone in the bedroom. Angel tells her she’s letting herself go.

Wrong move if you fancy someone. Worse move to criticise a pretty girl’s looks. They’re insecure don’t you know.

Noirin’s reply “I think my body is better than yours” is said with her bra exposed. Scorsese couldn’t have directed a better shot only this is reality TV. Did you feel uncomfortable watching Noirin undress? A TV camera in a girl’s bedroom is national voyeurism. Welcome to Peeping Tom Britain. Believe me this country is heading to a stoop far lower than that.

Noirin runs to Lisa for comfort. Interesting. Lisa’s position as den mother makes her unassailable right now. As for Angel

You look very beautiful but it looks like three months pregnancy.”

She says to Noirin. Out of nowhere.

Lisa: “She don’t look three months pregnant at all.”

Angel: “Okay two months.”

Like a kid in primary school pushing over the wee girl he likes. Angel is 35 though. However Noirin is possibly the best looking housemate in BB history.

It’s all her fault.

Angel: “I’m a robot. I am not human being… I do not have parents. I am here as experiment…

Planet Earth she means. Clearly experiment failed. Return to sender.

Noirin thinks she’s acting up for attention.

As soon as I stop laughing she’ll have my attention again.

The shenanigans continue in the evening when Noirin catches Angel stealing her hairbrush. Oh Angel if you want to sniff something steal her knickers. By the night time Siavash catches Angel trying to steal one of his photographs.

Noirin: “What picture was it?


Later Charlie dyes Sree’s hair. They’re looking for the blond effect. It turns out ginger. Sree you’ll never be blond. Sree you’ll never be white. You can however be the next Derek Lord.

Lisa: “He looks like a gay.”

The nominations were live for some reason. Once again Sree escaped by the dyed hair of his lying teeth. It’s Angel and Half-Wit.

Marcus: “I will stick my dick through that mangle if she stays on Friday.”

Betting is now closed.

Read more Thrill Fiction: Big Brother Day 12

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