Sunday, 13 September 2009

I Love Money 100

Ah, the summer of 2008. When no one believed America would vote in another old white man and I didn't believe Katy Perry ever kissed a girl and liked it. Who would have guessed that Black actually liked Flav and how many of us knew that we were about to watch the best new show in celebreality?


What would your enemies say about you?

That I’m a bitch that I’m a slut that I’m rude and

I’m loud and I’m obnoxious but I’m still hot.


video

Meet The All-Starlets


This is Pumkin. She's delusional. She got fired from her teaching job after Flavor of Love aired. Then she went on Charm School...

She (Mo) didn’t like me because I’m

white and skinny…


This is Pumkin. She’s white and delusional.


She hasn’t got a boyfriend so she has to make do with a substitute.

Believe me there’s a running theme here.

Starlet #2 please!

(I Love) New York turned out to be a horrible disaster

because myself who gets plenty of chicks

was portrayed like a homosexual and I was

kind of disappointed.”

So he started a strip troupe called the Party Boys with Heat which did nothing to promote his heterosexuality.

12 Pack (12p) is into MMA, jiu-jitsu, Muay Thai, and weight training. He had division1 scholarships for wrestling but never used them. Vh1 don’t know how lucky they are.


A budding entrepreneur 12p says he has a clothing line coming out –

That was a year ago. Here in the UK we’re way behind America fashion-wise. I’m still waiting for a black t-shirt to hit the stands.

Heather talks about Brett Michaels the same way Black talked about Flav.

Wenches. To those dudes you were just a certain number of downloads.


After Rock of Love Heather ditched stripping in Vegas – the money wasn’t worth it (someone should have introduced her to Punisher) – and moved to LA.

The theme keeps running.


Has anyone ever appeared on reality TV and not embarrassed themselves?

Why is she here?

And this one?

Although Steupz might disagree.


Now this guy deserves to be here – because he’s everywhere!

Modelling

Movies

Modelling

Not exactly David Bailey is she?


Heat has also got a blow up doll action figure that – get this – heats up (and vibrates) at the press of a button.

If he had brains he’d be stupid.

Don’t let that stop you girls.

I manhandled that bitch (Lacey).”


You were my hero. For one episode. Then I found out you were cuckoo.

…it’s all organic and it’s all natural.


So? If it doesn’t taste as good as the additives then it defeats its own purpose.

Every time I see a person down I want to put

a happy face on their face. Like yesterday. She

was walking on the side of the road, didn’t know

her. I stopped and I said ‘listen, don’t be afraid.

I’m Cindy, I’m Rodeo. I’m from Rock of Love.’

I said ‘you seem like you need a helping hand.

What’s wrong?’

She burst into tears. She realised who I was…


Yup. A cuckoo clock.

Looks like he lives in a nice apartment in a nice part of Jacksonville.


Here’s the family portrait.

You can’t accuse him of firing blanks can ya? Escape for New York.

Ah. Brandi C. loves the way she was portrayed on Rock of Love. She made herself laugh. I’m laughing at this theme.


before

after

Hey. It worked.

Next!

Wow.

I love you boyfriend.”


How do you spell ‘wow’ backwards?

Does this qualify as part of the theme?


Naw.

I’m really glad I did Rock of Love 2 because

now I’ve got that whole you know, has-been,

old, ugly man thing out of my system.”

I wear the bikini 99% of the time because

1% of the time I have to wear lingerie.”

Lily the retarded dog

I don’t want to get sentimental or anything

but I rescued her from Ohio where no

one should ever be.”


I mark for Megan.

Why do I like Toastie?


Because she likes a drink.

Toastie has to travel to Philadelphia for a night out. She’s with her girl Monica (no relation to Lewinsky but plump just like her). We’ve got that kind in Britain. They’re called fat slags. They’re up for it (for obvious reasons) and if you don’t mind hating yourself in the morning then safe journey.

When I first saw Megan in Rock of Love 2 I didn’t notice her. This guy? Everybody knew.

They know something we don’t know.

Dad: “I can see Sal.”


That much we know.

Right now I’m delivering pizza.


The Entertainer living at home aged 30 gave celebreality a story arc. We’ll see who has the last laugh in 2010.

I’m not that smooth but the thing is I

generally – in the bars I have a habit

of going for the girls that look a

little drunk.”


Hark the Boston Charm;

These are my STD results…


So all the groupies know they’re not going to catch something from him. Here’s something else they should know:

Groupies

Celebrities see a camera and they zoom in the way a stripper does to an old man in a suit.

My dreams are to be on the A-list.

Just like you used to be.”

Two men cock rocked the premiere of I Love New York. One was Mr Boston. The other?

Here’s his brother.

I’m looking for the one.”


Which explains what happened later in this season.


So with the cancellation of I Love Money 3 Thrill Fiction is going to steer you through memory lane on a weekly basis. It’ll be funnier than the first time trust me. By the time we’re done it’ll be time for ILM4.


Let’s hope.

Better than Probst


Next week on I Love Money:

I’m not here to make friends.


Read more Thrill Fiction: I Love Money 101

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