Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Megan wants a Millionaire 101

The last three months have been celebreality hell. The double whammy of Daisy de la Hoya and Ricki Lake should be enough to destroy the credibility of any network. Not Vh1. They have no shame. However 51 Minds may have provided them with a ratings smart bomb this summer.

Trophy Wife-To-Be

This week’s MVP.

You swing babe.

This is Niles. He will be your narrator for the season.

Niles (not his real name) is an actor not a butler. Every illegal alien Brit in LA probably auditioned for this role, putting on their best Stephen Fry. Still. At least it aint this guy.

The suitors arrive one-b-one. Megan and her retard bitch – Lily not Brandi C – meet them at the door. I approve. Decorum is apropos.

The 17 men have been background checked and verified. They’re all millionaires

though no one’s asking Big Mike where he got his money from.

Garth is a plumber. He owns the company but that doesn’t stop him being a plumber.

Donald is a movie producer. No. Not those kinds of movies; these kinds of movies.

Hello? Is that the Academy? I’ll hold.

This 25 year old beaver is not yet a millionaire. His grandfather left him a mention in his will so he’s waiting for the old man to croak.

That’s entertainment.

This is Al. He’s nervous. Keep an eye on him.

Ah. The token brother. With this show’s criterion I’m surprised they actually found one. Talking about tokens, this being LA and all, there’s got to be a porno guy

and a gay guy.

He just doesn’t know it.

This guy is slime.

His game is to promise her spending sprees. Hey! Megan wants a millionaire not a personal shopper.

This dude’s originally from Columbia and now resides in Florida. I wonder if the DEA watch this show.

With the millionaires trapped inside the mansion Megan’s backup arrives.

Trixie sez she’s never seen Brandi look better. I say she looks better in porn.

Who’s this?

Another Megan clone? If there’s a hierarchy she's way below Lily.

Time for the nicknames formal introductions. At this point in their respective shows Flav was a sleaze while Brett took sleazy pictures. Megan is a lady. She gives presents. She expects better presents in return.

Trust Fund Baby Joe – hitherto known as Baby Joe – gets a piggy bank. Keep it filled boy.

Turns out the Punisher is a stripper.

You what?

These shows have got to have a stripper – but a millionaire stripper?

I’m off to Vegas.

Sex Toy Dave is the right height.

Everyone gets a Megan gift then she drops her bombshell: don’t unpack! Three of yous aren’t staying.

Money can’t always buy a trophy wife.

It’s time for the mixer but with no Chance or Flipper I’m not expecting fireworks.

Audi is from Rhode Island.

Megan: “So you make girls go psycho? What do

you do to them to make them crazy?

Audi: “I don’t know. I guess it’s the hump game.”

We’ve got Audis like that in Manchester.

Megan’s intrigued by a ‘millionaire stripper’. Go on Punisher – show the girl the goods.

It’s a birthmark.”

It looks like a map of Cuba.”

Al’s – the nervous guy – gift from Megan was a bottle of massage oil. So he uses it on her feet in full view of Garth the Plumber. It’s neither sensual nor soothing but it is utterly submissive.

In an attempt to be charming Al barks – as in woof! Woof! – at Megan.

The next sequence is of him pleading for clemency.

Megan has bigger fish to fry.

I knew there was something I liked about

Donald. He can put me in movies.

Bottom bitch Brandi C and under-bitch Cecille decide to give James the money talk.

Brandi C: “I’m a little concerned about the

fact that you work as a waiter, you don’t

have any money –“

James: “Listen. I have money. I’m going to get

it within a year.”

James: “Probably.”

Sounds as if James had better hope

that his grandfather’s health is in a frail state.”

Ryan is from Canada.

Megan: “So why do you live there?

Ryan isn’t legally allowed to work in the United States. He’d have to get married for that privilege. He’s that desperate to leave the third best country to live in he promises “if we get married, I won’t get you to sign a prenup”.

Ryan is from Canada. One can only presume he doesn’t know what a prenup is.

The millionaires talk shop. Donald the movie producer pitches his next masterpiece: Cannibal Cavegrrl. No one is interested except Baby Joe who sounds like he wants to pre order the DVD .

Garth the plumber is sick of the two of them.

With no Chance or Flipper I’m not expecting fireworks.

There goes Megan’s present.

I hope you feel like a man for breaking

my piggy bank. Thank you.”

Millionaires are people too.

I can’t wait to tell Megan about this.”

Before he can it’s time for eliminations.

Clocks and backstage passes were good. Chains were blah! Megan has credit cards. A sure sign that production has put some thought into this show. Said cards are pre approved for 14 of the boys.

Your credit has been denied!

I don’t fancy Megan but I could fall in love with her.

Next time on Megan Wants a Millionaire

More wit. More charm. More money. More Megan.

Read more Thrill Fiction: I Love Money

TFi: Apologies for the late late post. The next one is catch up!

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