Thursday, 20 August 2009

Megan wants a Millionaire 102

Everyone knows about Ryan but this is Thrill Fiction and I've got two more episodes to post.

Post haste.

Millionaire Sex Mode

This weeks MVP

because not every plumber/blue collar/skilled labourer has gay disco within them.

The season’s first challenge is gift giving as Megan’s “favourite holiday is Valentine’s day.” I didn’t know it was a ‘holiday’ in America. Over here it’s a night out – with your mates.

The challenge is like in 101 - but in reverse. This week the men have to gift Megan. Give give give.

What a gig.

Cisco cooks Megan something presumably edible. Since he’s half naked I guess they don’t have Health & Safety in America.

Megan: “Perfect size for my mouth.”

Don’t try that at home boys. The idea is to starve women so they look like this

and not this

Nervous Al remembers when he made like poodle bitch and caused Megan to assault herself. He’s gotta throw down on this one.

It’s a voucher - $8 grand worth of voucher - for cosmetic surgery.

Plastic surgery? I don’t think that’s

gonna work with Megan.”

Some women may be offended by a cheque

for plastic surgery. But not me.”

You what?

Shaun’s done his research; Megan likes sushi. Why not perverted nyotaimori ?

Niles: “Mr Shaun felt doomed. But Megan appreciated

his willingness to embarrass himself

for her enjoyment.”

Big Mike dazzles with a designer dress.

“I wrote Megan a song that’s going to

immortalise her for life [sic].”

SEX MODE lyrics by Garth the Plumber

Yo! G-Money!

G-Money? Garth the plumber millionaire?

Grab your hips and lick your lips…”

Not only is Garth a plumber. He’s a singing

plumber. And I don’t enjoy the fact

that he’s touching himself.”

I thought it was TV gold.

Sex mode? It has kinds of a good beat and

if you had a bunch of people on drugs

in a club maybe they would like it.”

The top three gift givers going on a date with Megan are Shaun

You what? The nekkid sushi guy?

Megan: “Thoughtful gifts are good.”

Big Mike

Megan: “Expensive gifts are great.”

and Nervous Al.

Megan: “Thoughtful and expensive? Now that’s a winner in my book.”

This show has a millionaire caveat syndrome: the winners are permitted to sex up their dates with Megan by purchasing gifts allotted for her.

Garth the plumber is miffed she didn’t choose him and his shitetunes. Where’s the best place to sulk?

Megan never said she hated his ‘song’ (she didn’t have to), she expected something a little more romantic is all.

Bam bam! And I went – all I need to

do is slow down.”

Slow down your behaviour?

“Sex mode. Grab your hips and lick your lips…”

He slows down the beat. Think Teddy Pendergrass.

Or not.

Big Mike Nervous Al and Shaun sit down with Niles to peruse the upgrade options.

Big Mike: “I like all of those things – but I got

something of my own.”

In his Interview Segment Big Mike declares himself bigger better and more creative than the Bonanos others. The others – Nervous Al and Shaun – prove him right by buying all three gifts and splitting the tab.

You what?

No one’s ever accused me of being romantic.

No one has ever accused me of being cheap.

Nervous Al pays cash. That doesn’t mean he’s a drug dealer. Shaun pays American Express.

American decline.

No one’s ever accused me of being a millionaire – but I can relate.

Nervous Al to the rescue; he foots the whole bill and Shaun will pay him in the morn.

Garth the plumber isn’t happy. Megan is not like other girls. She hasn’t fallen at his pipes yet.

Maybe I’m not supposed to be here; if this

girl doesn’t like something I’ve

worked two years on.”

TFi: You’ve gotta read this.

Out of nowhere Garth hands me his credit

card and tells me he’s quitting.”

Garth: “Personally, your credit’s denied.”

I am denied? By him? Because I don’t

like his stupid song ‘Sex Mode’?

Niles: “Megan demanded satisfaction.”

Garth: “From a distance I thought I might be

compatible with you and after hanging out

with you I’ve come to the conclusion you’re

going to turn around and throw me away

like a… like a… a… I’m not into it.”

Not into vocabulary you mean.

I don’t care. You need to millionaire suck it

up, sit there, put a smile on your face

and be appreciative that you’re here.”

Me too.

I see what’s going on here. Garth is trying to

manipulate me. Two can play at this

game. But I do it better.”

You’ll get a kiss when you deserve one.”

That girl’s got skills.”

The next day is ski date. Niles has prepared the gifts and Nervous Al picks them up.

I walk right in front of Shaun and I’m amazed

that Shaun doesn’t come up and say

something tome. Hand me some

cash, talk to me, do something.”

2 times millionaire cheapskates.

So it’s time for my ski date and Al has a

dozen roses waiting for me.”

For real? You can ski in LA? Or did they take a Lear to Utah?

Megan’s happy but Shaun is being left in the cold on this one.

Remember Big Mike was going to get her something off the list?

Poor Shaun.

Megan grants alone time to all three. Nervous Al uses his to present the third gift – then further screws Shaun by bubbling him vis-à-vis the dodgy credit card.

Problem with his card as in his card

doesn’t have any money?


“I just think certain times are appropriate

for certain times.”

I just want to make sure that the lines of

communication – and the lines of credit

– stay open.”

It’s night time back at the mansion. It’s elimination time.

Good gosh.

Big Mike bought her that dress but it’s Al who gets there first.

Your credit is still good with me.”

Big Mike is #2 and so on so forth until

Four dudes left. Not all will be approved.

Alex is warned about purchasing granny panties – but his credit is fine tonight.

It’s me Shaun or Joe. I mean who would

get rid of this? Think about it.”

I made up my mind to get rid of Garth the

second he handed me his credit card last

night. But he’s not going to leave on his

terms. This is my house and he’s going

to leave on my terms.”

Your credit has been declined.”

I couldn’t believe it. It just happened so fast.”

Garth you big mouthed idiot. You weren’t supposed to go tonight. Baby Joe was.

Me too.

That leaves us with Shaun.

Megan: “I’m sorry. Your credit’s been denied. Again.”

Megan wants a millionaire with a backbone.

And a line of credit.

Next time on Megan Wants a Millionaire:

Baby Joe got game.

Read more Thrill Fiction: I $ Too

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