The 10 Worst Horror Films of 2013

(l-r Miley Cyrus; Ronda Rousey; Amanda Bynes) white girl twerks; white girl attitude; white girl crazy: these were bad but not as bad as the 10 worst horror film

The number 13 is unlucky for the superstitious. It is iconic to the Horror film industry. It was a once in a century opportunity. It was a chance to brand a banner year.

The Masters of Horror could have returned for at least one last film. The second generation of new Masters¹ should have released their magna opera. Neophyte directors would have premiered their bloody offerings. It would have been Horror’s greatest year. It would have lasted a hundred years.

Alas no one noticed. 2013 has come and will soon be gone. Only one movie released this year is worthy of nomination into Thrill Fiction’s Top 100 Horror Films. As such this ‘worst’ list should be able to write itself but au contraire; it’s like dredging a cesspool looking for material that hasn’t dissolved.

10 SOLO       CAN

In October this year Shock Till You Drop became film distributors. Solo, a camper-in-peril story, is their first effort. It’s also their worst effort. Lead actress Annie Clark hints at future possibilities but she cannot lift up Olympus. The camera focuses on her for too long. It reveals a plain Jane made to look somewhat pretty being asked to distract the audience from the farce of this hollow shell. Julia Roberts in her magic youth didn’t try this at home.

9 THE COLONY US

There is a certain type of distinguished thespian who consistently brings gravitas to the motion picture. The British call him Michael Caine. The Americans call him Morgan Freeman. Christopher Nolan calls them whenever he wants to. In horror films they are called Robert Englund and Tony Todd. There are others. For example Laurence Fishburne is an actor of gravitas.

At the first sight of snow the viewer is alerted that this is a The Thing 1982 rip off. As soon as Fishburne dies (in act 2) the audience is advised to ask for their money back (the producers should to take the writers to small claims court).

8 ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE US

Overnight 2003 chronicles the events from script to first screening of The Boondock Saints 1999. The documentary shows how Harvey Weinstein can destroy careers – and by extension lives. Mandy Lane had an international release in 2006 but a US limited release last September. Harvey can waste dump his genre films as and when he pleases but the true story of Mandy Lane is waiting to be made into another documentary.  In the meantime the cinema release has a reveal that could have been horror’s answer to Planet of the Apes 1968. Alas it was botched. Further Amber Heard plays the titular character.

Right again Harvey.

7 TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D             US

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974 stunned the world. It still stuns. What’s equally stunning is Lionsgate’s capacity for exploitation. Tobe Hooper’s fable could have been written by Aesop. It is a self contained complete story. There is no narrative latitude for sequels or prequels. Post 9/11 there is no cultural rational for a remake.

Addendum: This isn’t a remake; this is 3D.

6 EVIL DEAD          US

Here is a perfect display of fandom. The original trilogy soared from no-budget to low-budget to wide release. 20 years later and the franchise never really went away (unlike the Candyman and Jeepers Creepers series). The fans demanded a reboot. They deserved more than a remake (of a film about demons) that has no soul.

5 DARK SKIES         US

It’s always good news when a studio announces a horror film. It’s usually bad news when the studio releases that horror film. However there is precedent for greatness: Rosemary’s Baby 1968; The Exorcist 1973; Scream 1996. There is precedent for good films eg Final Destination 2000. There is no excuse for Dark Skies - and how on earth did it make a profit?²

The Weinstein Company should rename itself Weinstein & Son the way they make money from junk.

4 BLACK ROCK      US

It’s a bad day for horror when the Political Correct faction wants to see our papers. In this film three white women (on their way to domestic-soccer-mom-bliss) play the leads. This is not The Craft 1996 or even The Descent 2005. This is gaggle-babble feminazi white-victim fantasy with the expected dose of civil rights contradictory racist appropriations.

Vile.

3 FRANKENSTEIN’S ARMY          US

This found-footage feature is set during World War 2 and is about a Captain America type program gone wrong. The concept isn’t terrible but how much footage can be found in a 1940s era camera? The ‘terrible’ comes with the budget:

Attention aspiring filmmakers! If you’ve got no money – make a film noir.

2 THE DEMENTED           US

This is no name/no talent camcorder teen cinema. It is indicative of the genre’s current torpor. The mere idea that one human being would charge another to watch this is proof there is evil. Civilians use condoms; the Hollywood system uses a filter to guard against STDs (Straight-to-DVD).

1 INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2 US

There is a new generation of horror film fans. They elevated the mediocre Insidious 2011 to a smash hit hence this sequel. They watched The Purge 2013 and The Conjuring 2013 the way their parents watch American Idol. There is only craft. There is no art.

Congratulations James (Wan). You crafty bastard. You sold out. Now you can cash in. Why don't you direct a mainstream action flick? They'll give you $160million to play with - but they'll want their pound of flesh James. You sold out. You will pay up. They demand it. Should anyone ever nominate you for a Master of Horror¹ I will remind them of Insidious Chapter 2.

For unrelated reasons I stopped watching soccer in 2012. It was a lifelong habit. Friends didn’t believe me. They do now. This year in horror was as bad as last year and next year doesn’t look scary at all. I don’t know how much longer I can watch camcorder cinema and corporate horror but at some point I’m going to have to detox. Gonzo porn is better than this (and I don’t watch that anymore). What will happen to the industry if Thrill Fiction withdraws its support? You’ll be left with punters who think Idle Hands 1999 is classic cinema.

That’s a threat.

Read more Thrill Fiction: Attack the Block

1 Masters of Horror (Origin)       Wikipedia

2 Dark Skies                                        BoxOffice Mojo

Technorati Tags:horror films, worst, all the boys love mandy lane, insidious chapter 2, the demented, solo, texas chainsaw 3d, the colony, evil dead, dark skies, black rock, frankensteins army,
Generated By Technorati Tag Generator

Black Swan

The Crying Game 1992 was released in England to savage reviews¹. The critics killed it at the box office. A month later Miramax distributed it in the US and scored a sleeper hit of $60million+ ($98million in today's money). The Crying Game was then re-released to success in the UK². Lesson learned: a hit in America will generate enough buzz to hit the UK.

It’s called the Lemming Effect.

Black Swan 2010 was released wide in America on 17^th December. Its critical acclaim measures 88% on Rotten Tomatoes and 8.6 on IMDb. Its domestic box office performance to date is $75million³ (on a production budget of $13m). It is a confluence of critical and commercial euphoria. It is perfect for awards season.

Yesterday morning BAFTA nominated Black Swan for 12 statuettes. As impressive as that reads the film has received a prior 159 nominations⁴ (which includes 44 wins eg Natalie Portman best actress Golden Globes⁵). The Academy Awards will announce their nominations next week.

This doesn’t sound like a horror film.

Black Swan was marketed as horror to draw in a demographic that can make a hit out of the worst film of the year – if for one weekend only. The deception completed and the box office boosted Black Swan set about wooing its real target: the crossover into mainstream.

Aronofsky's feature debut Pi 1998

Darren Aronofsky is an art house filmmaker. Although his second feature Requiem for a Dream 2000 is best known for its soundtrack it is a wonderful piece of melancholic storytelling. One of Aronofsky’s strengths is the performances he elicits from his cast. The Wrestler 2008 is lauded by the wrestling community – of which I am a proud member – for its depiction of the industry. It too received mainstream attention, awards and accolades for its actors.

Black Swan is art house. It is psychological drama; the story of a ballerina in rehearsals for the lead role in a production of Swan Lake. Swan Lake is ballet. Ballet is art house but Aronofsky does not leave the mainstream audience adrift. Where The Wrestler depicts a breaking body Black Swan witnesses a breaking mind.

The Wrestler tells the story of a has-been – both onscreen and off. Aronofsky resurrected Mickey Rourke in the mainstream. Now he’s rolled a similar albeit easier die with Natalie Portman.

Golden Globes 2011

Despite the talent promised in her debut Leon 1994 Portman has struggled for roles to best showcase her ability. She’s like a songstress looking for a ballad; once upon a time Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey weren’t divas. Now aged 30 Portman has found her song at last. Now she can become Meryl Streep or Sigourney Weaver.

Age is a factor in film especially for female actors. This is a theme explored in Black Swan. Winona Ryder is the aged ingénue Portman replaces in the movie. In real life like Mickey Rourke Ryder has fallen from our grace. The former darling of Generation X is now a celebrity ridicule to sneer at despite numerous comeback attempts. It is a disaster for her that in this film Aronofsky draws attention to her criminal thievery.

Parents see the passing of time in their children. How young can a woman be when her baby girl is now an adult? Barbara Hershey plays Portman’s stage mother to a brilliant tragic effect. Scorcese devotees will know of Hershey when she was Boxcar Bertha 1972. The Horrorfolk remember her from The Entity 1981.

Cassel (left) in La Haine 1995

Vincent Cassel may not be the most famous Frenchman in the world but he’s the most famous French actor. In this film he plays the exotica; the foreigner with a foreign accent with foreign ways that seduce the natives. For an untold reason Anglos find the French alluring. Another French leading man who tried his accent in Hollywood is Gerard Depardieu. His character in Green Card 1990 summed it up: to paraphrase – in his own country he’s just a man. Abroad he is superman.

When I think of the French I think of Vichy⁶.

Cassel plays the ballet director. His character dominates Portman’s. He bullies her. He inspires her. He elevates her. She wants to please him. She wants to please her mother. She wants to be friends with her coworkers. Perhaps she can be friends with new girl Mila Kunis. Aronofsky’s camera hounds Portman like a paparazzo – like a poacher chasing a swan.

The psychological drama should not be misinterpreted as horror. It is a worthy subgenre that includes Blue Velvet 1986, Les Diaboliques 1955, Vertigo 1958 and Repulsion 1965 by the child rapist Roman Polanski. They are taut by necessity. Although Black Swan has a running time of 108 minutes it is a film without mystery – the plot is laid out in the first act. Thus by act three the ongoing story is redundant. The flourishes of horror are exciting to see but boring to watch because they lead to nowhere. The film would have been too long at 90 minutes.

Then this is a character study. As such it is an indulgence. It is pomposity of narrative and hysteria of visual motion. There is perversion in the sexuality. That kind of thing should be left out of the cinema nowadays. Everyone has access to the internet.

The art house Nazis who grovel in Black Swan’s pretentious tide can cheer for the celebration of their beloved ballet in the cinema. Ballet is patronised by the elite. It is exclusive and anti-proletariat. Cinema is for the masses. Film critics should serve as a filter between the film companies and the consumer. Their mass hysteria over Black Swan is a further example of the homogeny of opinion in the mainstream and their desperate elitism.

It’s called the Lemming Effect.

Black Swan is on general release in the UK 21^st January.

Read more Thrill Fiction: Never Sleep Again

1 The Crying Game Empire magazine

2 The Crying Game Wikipedia

3 Box Office Mojo

4 Black Swan nominations Wikipedia

5 Golden Globes 2011

6 Vichy France Wikipedia

Technorati Tags:black swan, darren aronofsky, natalie portman, vincent cassel, the wrestler, winona ryder, mickey rourke, barbara hershey, horror films, psychological drama films
Generated By Technorati Tag Generator

Husk (Trailer)

In 2006 After Dark Films¹ held the Horrorfest 8 Films to Die For. The festival serves as venue for the theatrical release of 8 mainly American independent horror with the odd import. It has been an annual event since inception.

In its four years After Dark has distributed (in theatres and on DVD) Rinni 2005 by Takeshi Shimizu the director of Ju-On: The Grudge 2000, the French Frontier(s) 2007 and From Within 2009. Last year’s festival included The Final and Zombies of Mass Destruction both of which are feature in the TFi Top 10 Films of 2010.

This year sees a slight difference in their game plan. It’s a great leap forward for After Dark. Not only will they be distributing 8 new films but they produced them as well. This is what New Line Cinema used to be when they mattered.

In an era of carpet bagging that produces horror dross After Dark Films is on the side of the fans. Needless to say I’m a fan of theirs and Thrill Fiction offers its full support. Nevertheless each film will be judged on its own merits.

Not just by me.

 

Thrill Fiction would like to thank Bloody Disgusting2 for use of their exclusive content.

Husk is released 28th January.

Read more Thrill Fiction: ReMade: Halloween

1 After Dark Films - Originals
2 Bloodydisgusting.com

Technorati Tags:horror films, 8 films to die for, husk, after dark originals
Generated By Technorati Tag Generator