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| (l-r Miley Cyrus; Ronda Rousey; Amanda Bynes) white girl twerks; white girl attitude; white girl crazy: these were bad but not as bad as the 10 worst horror film |
The Masters of Horror could have
returned for at least one last film. The second generation of new Masters1
should have released their magna opera. Neophyte directors would have premiered
their bloody offerings. It would have been Horror’s greatest year. It would
have lasted a hundred years.
Alas no one noticed. 2013 has come and
will soon be gone. Only one movie released this year is worthy of nomination
into Thrill Fiction’s Top 100 Horror Films. As such this ‘worst’ list should be
able to write itself but au contraire; it’s like dredging a cesspool looking
for material that hasn’t dissolved.
10 SOLO CAN
In October this year Shock Till You Drop
became film distributors. Solo, a camper-in-peril
story, is their first effort. It’s also their worst effort. Lead actress Annie
Clark hints at future possibilities but she cannot lift up Olympus. The camera
focuses on her for too long. It reveals a plain Jane made to look somewhat
pretty being asked to distract the audience from the farce of this hollow
shell. Julia Roberts in her magic youth didn’t try this at home.
9 THE COLONY
US
At the first sight of snow the viewer
is alerted that this is a The Thing
1982 rip off. As soon as
Fishburne dies (in act 2) the audience is advised to ask for their money back (the
producers should to take the writers to small claims court).
8 ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE US
Overnight 2003 chronicles the
events from script to first screening of The
Boondock Saints 1999. The documentary shows how Harvey Weinstein can destroy
careers – and by extension lives. Mandy
Lane
had an international release in 2006 but a US limited release last September. Harvey
can waste dump his genre films as and when he pleases but the true story of Mandy Lane is waiting to be
made into another documentary. In the
meantime the cinema release has a reveal that could have been horror’s answer
to Planet of the Apes 1968. Alas it was
botched. Further Amber Heard plays the titular character.
Right again Harvey.
7 TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D US
Addendum: This isn’t a remake; this is
3D.
6 EVIL DEAD
US
5 DARK SKIES US
The Weinstein Company should rename
itself Weinstein & Son the way they make money from junk.
4 BLACK ROCK
US
Vile.
3 FRANKENSTEIN’S ARMY US
Attention aspiring filmmakers! If you’ve
got no money – make a film noir.
2 THE DEMENTED US
1
INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2 US
Congratulations James (Wan). You
crafty bastard. You sold out. Now you can cash in. Why don't you direct a mainstream action flick? They'll give you $160million to play with - but they'll want their pound of flesh James. You sold out. You will pay up. They demand it. Should anyone ever nominate you for
a Master of Horror1 I will remind
them of Insidious Chapter 2.
For unrelated reasons I
stopped watching soccer in 2012. It was a lifelong habit. Friends didn’t
believe me. They do now. This year in horror was as bad as last year and next
year doesn’t look scary at all. I don’t know how much longer I can watch
camcorder cinema and corporate horror but at some point I’m going to have to detox.
Gonzo porn is better than this (and I don’t watch that anymore). What will
happen to the industry if Thrill Fiction withdraws its support? You’ll be left
with punters who think Idle
Hands 1999 is classic cinema.
That’s a threat.
Read more Thrill Fiction: Attack the Block
1 Masters of Horror (Origin) Wikipedia
2
Dark Skies BoxOffice Mojo
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