Friday, 20 February 2009


You So Smiley

Have you ever met a muck-up? In school or in real life? You bump into them again five years later and they're still the same old muck-up? It's like going to a family reunion. Flavor of Love wrapped in 2006. Since then and (Charm School) now Leilene has displayed her one transferable skill: consistency.

Following last week's elimination (Onix's foray into reality TV is officially over. VH1 are not offering him his own show) Leilene begs Becky Buckwild to remain her friend; this after Becky attempted to screw her over. Oh Leilene. But it's hard to feel sorry for you. Especially when your buck wild friend doesn't.

It's bedtime for some while others are imbibing the booze. MILF that is. She sashays in with two goblets of red wine. Bonez thanks her.

Are you kidding me?

Back off skinny boy. This booze is for Buddha. He reminds MILF of a man she'd like to.

Ah. Buddha. To be harassed by women in the Mexico heat.

Heat (no relation) has the horn for Leilene and jumps into bed with her. Rated PG-13.

Trouble is she says she's ‘mentally attracted‘ to Buddha.

"It is absolutely impossible I would go for a woman like Leilene. With her ho-ish tendencies, her limited intellect. Absolutely impossible."

Heat understandably gets the hump. Leilene's self-esteem decides she's ‘a troubled person‘. The Gold Team rally around Heat and gang up against a single mother. They lock her out of the house until 5 o'clock the next morning.

As a fellow stripper Frenchie is appalled –

- with Leilene's lack of man-game.

Morning. Saaphyri is Gold Team captain and she wants Buddha in her cross-hairs. Her team all looked pepped and united. Green Team? They've got MILF. As captain.

Yep. Becky Buckwild sabotages her from the off. It's an exit strategy: should they lose they throw the weak leader in the box.

Sidebar: the tasks aren't the point of these shows. However during this football-themed challenge Saaphyri and Frenchie fall out.

An oppourtunity for Buckwild to show her true colours (gold not black) by convincing Saaphyri not to quit.

Her Green Team are infuriated but Becky doesn't give a rhyme. Buddha: "Becky's on the other team." While Saaphyri and Frenchie make up.

Yep. Green Team lost. Again.

MILF's in panic mode now. She's a certainty to go into the box. Who can save her?

Ah. Buddha.

MILF approaches him. He sees an angle. Because if he's put into that box then reality TV's village idiot

becomes reality TV's master strategist.

Buddha sends MILF to seduce Leilene into his bed/room.

Good strategy. Get Leilene away from the evil Saaphyri and Buckwild. Bad strategy. Because Leilene sees MILF as competition. For Buddha. And she's not going to do anything that porno-hag suggests. A stripper knows her place on society's totem pole; it might be below video-ho but it's way above porno-chick.

Becky and Saaphyri get wind of this skulduggery. Uh-ho. Now Saaphyri wants MILF's scalp.

In the vault Becky runs her mouth so Green Team put her in the box first. Becky in the box! She don't care. She shouldn't. Her best friend is Gold Team captain. Next! Leilene in the box! She should care. Buddha gets two votes – Buckwild and (!)Leilene. Too little too lame, love.

MILF's vote is unanimous.


A MILF is scorned. She goes gangster. So she says. She threatens to quit the game thereby forcing another member of her team into the box as her replacement. She hopes its Buddha or Myammee(?). Interesting.

Buddha goes into diplomatic damage control. Saaphyri goes 54th & Crenshaw on him.

20-pack quips 'the two strongest minded people are going at it… Get ready for some fireworks‘.

Becky throws her gangsta self into the teapot because Buckwild made her do it. That blaccent. TheAli G show was satirical. Becky isn't the only one not to get the joke insult.

Whatever Buddha said to MILF must have convinced her. She doesn't quit. Shocker. Threats are only good as warnings. Quitting in a reality TV show is either a Brandi C-style done deal or a MILF-type dumb bluff. (Shout out to Michelle Heaton).

CUT TO: Power Outing. The four girls meet a fortune teller in rural Mexico who speaks perfect English with perfect diction with an accent straight out of central casting. She's either a paid actor or an unpaid blogger .

Whoa. Missus. Too harsh.

The sit-down meal has Leilene on the ropes with Saaphyri ripping into her.

MILF's perfect strategy is to enjoy the fajitas but Saaphyri is nobody's fool. She chooses MILF for the one-on-one. She offers her safety and demands loyalty. MILF hesitates. ¿What? Maybe she doesn't want to be a snitch. Saaphyri turns the screw. Okay. She'll be a snitch. Done deal but will Saaphyri honour it?

At the elimination ceremony Buckwild gets her cheque with no preamble. The opposition Gold Team applaud. The Green Team don't. Do they know they're screwed yet? Becky is so obvious she even stands with the Gold Team. And why shouldn't she? No matter how many times the Green Team votes her in the box no captain on the Gold Team will vote her off.

Saaphyri milks her moment by asking Leilene and MILF what loyalty means to them. Leilene prattles her usual babble – something about friendship. MILF can't seem to articulate. Communication skills are not needed in porno valley. Heat calls her out: "250 thousand dollars! Is that your answer?" She has to talk. "Me being loyal to a team that wasn't loyal to me got me in the box." She can talk! Proving to AVN that the mouth has more than one use for a porno-milf.

Saaphyri chooses MILF thereby crushes Leilene's dreams of hooking up with Buddha. Porn before strippers. Frenchie must have hidden that totem pole.

Characteristically Leilene takes it well.

Oh Leilene. I can't help but feel sorry for you. Heat wishes her "good luck in finding love Leilene." It's heartfelt. In his Interview Segment he tells us "she's got a good heart but a lost soul."

Wow. VH1 really mucked you over Smiley.

Next week on I Love Money 2:

The Green Team lose. Again.

Read more Thrill Fiction: I Love Money 204

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