2011 was a bad year for Kim Jong-il. The ‘Dear Leader’ died of a heart attack on 17th December1. Aged 69 he had ruled North Korea for 17 despotic years. Despite the diplomatic commiserations (from China2) he will be missed by no one.
Except South Park.
2011 was even worse for Muammar Kaddafi. He was 69 too but had ruled Libya for over 40 years. The erstwhile dictator was tortured to death3 by British backed rebels. That’ll teach him to have oil reserves.
While Rome burned the emperor Nero played the fiddle. When the empire crumbled around him he distracted the citizens with circus acts at the coliseum; chariot races, gladiator fights and lion eating Christians. Cue two thousand years later and we’re witnessing the end of Western civilisation. Our dear leaders (celebrities, sports and entertainment) can’t be bothered to produce decent horror films. Cheek.
For every good horror movie in 2011 there were ten bad ones to wade through. It was like being married to Kim Kardashian for 72 days just to kiss Kourtney. As per usual Hollywood is to blame – but with the proliferation of camcorder cinema the independents are blame too. Don’t get me started on them bloody foreigners (and in cinema terms that includes us Brits).
The criteria for the following 10 crap films is wide theatrical release in the US and/or UK, critical acknowledgement and buzz/advertising/marketing. That lets a lot of dross of the hook.
Readers – avoid these movies the way you avoided Lindsay Lohan’s playboy spread4. There’s no fire crotch but it’s still Lindsay. Likewise there’s no horror in these films – but they’re still scary.
10 The Rite US
 |
| phoning it in since 1991 |
The first rule of horror films is don’t hire movie stars. The second rule of horror films is don’t hire Anthony Hopkins. That old fart can chew more scenery than a genetically modified cow. That’s exactly what he did in last year’s mega ($150million) budget mega-turkey The Wolf Man.
Liz granted him The Most Excellent Order of the British Empire for his performance in The Silence of the Lambs 1991 (that’s Sir Anthony to you). She should have him deported for The Rite.
To the Valley.
The Wesh valleys.
9 Wake Wood UK
The critics8 loved this piffle. The critics hate horror films so that tells its own story. It’s not a good story. It is a ripoff of The Wicker Man 1973.
Note to Hammer: if the dead walk in a horror film it’s because they’re zombies. Not because they’re oirish tinkers.
8 Amer FRA
More fool me for watching it.
No spoilers because there is no plot. There is a cavalcade of shots, angles, colours and loud sound. It is unwatchable as entertainment. It’ll play like a porno to the film school crew and to those pretentious Sight & Sound readers. They can hop down the pub and bore their friends – invariably named Archibald and Cecile – over a dab of port.
7 Paranormal Activity 3 US
The most notable aspect of this series is regression. Paranormal Activity 2 2010 was a prequel. Paranormal Activity 3 is a prequel to a prequel. Prequels rarely work in cinema (Hannibal Rising 2001) because they dispel the myth the original created. Ringu O 2000 is prime example of that.
So is Paranormal Activity 3 .
This tedium is as serious as Ghostbusters 1984 – but that was a good film.
6 Faces in the Crowd US
Faces in the Crowd appealed to no one. It went Straight-to-DVD in the US (the acronym STD is apropos). The plot is about a woman who partially loses her sight. Her condition is called face blindness. The affliction impairs the ability to recognise faces whereas all other objects remain intact. It is a real condition called prosopagnosia.
Imagine if your ex-girlfriend had it.
Now imagine sitting through a movie that doesn’t recognise horror, thriller, mystery or excitement.
Give that ex-girlfriend a call. She might not have prosopagnosia but her cursing and threats will be more entertaining than this drivel.
5 Priest US
Oh dear.
Priest – or Legion part 2 – is an action-horror in the subgenre of the Resident Evil and Underworld franchises. Of the 9 films cited in that last sentence only one of them is any good.
Go on. Have a guess.
4 Evil Things US
A group of city kids drive into the boonies a la The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974. These kids are wimpy boys and mouthy bitches. It’s the 21st century don’t you know and women are equal don’t you know? Not like those hapless wenches of yesteryears. The likes of Mary Seacole, Amina of Zaria, Boudica, Amelia Earhart, Winnie Mandela.
I’m sick of this trash.
3 Blooded UK
England as opposed to the UK is suffering from an identity crisis. It suffers with low self-esteem. The empire is gone and the jig is up. Britannia has been exposed for what it is: an American client state.
The equally low budget Dawn of the Dead 1978 is a horror film. Take whatever message you want from that flick. As many times as you like.
In contrast Blooded couldn’t compete with a home video of a primary school nativity play. It purports to be about hunting and animal rights but the protagonists are toffs on a weekend jolly at a chum’s country estate.
Who on earth could feel sympathy for land owners?
2 Wrong Turn 4 US
It’s not camp. It’s not ‘so bad it’s good’. It borrows from the Fritt Vilt franchise. Everything is bad about this film – from the dialogue to the acting, the stunts, story and actors. I’m sure one of those chicks has cement boobs.
It’s Wrong Turn 4 people. You know the plot going in. Well actually no you don’t.
Neither do the writers.
1 YellowBrickRoad US
YellowBrickRoad is a production from the website Bloody Disgusting. Yup they make movies too. They don’t know it yet but I’m looking to them to help promote my spec screenplay A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Return later in the year. Thus this positioning/burial may be viewed as brave or principled or moronic.
I don’t go through life based on my good looks.
In my defence another Bloody Disgusting Selects film makes my Top 10 Horror Films of 2011. No coincidence.
The mystery here is how a couple of horror fans who formed a website in 2002 could release such a monstrosity. Bloody Disgusting was purchased in 2007 by a management company called The Collective. I guess their hands are tied.
Welcome to the movie business Bloody Disgusting.
With horror films like these who needs Fox News? It wasn’t just the movies that sucked. Television, that four foot widescreen babysitter, harbours American Horror Story. And Sean Hannity.
Atención!
If you are a horror fan you must read this:
Do not watch any of the above cited films under any or all circumstances. Do not watch if you are bedridden with the next phantom SARS pandemic. Do not watch in your homemade bunker during the impending zombie apocalypse. Do not watch at the invitation of a girl even if she promises nookie afterwards; for this is a sure sign of women-who-kill. Do not watch if you are part of the Occupy Movement and someone hands you a copy of one of these flickers; he’s probably working for the Man.
The biggest casualty of this year’s onslaught of filmic tomfoolery is Dr Blood’s Video Vault.
Back to main topic: Hollywood you suck!
Read more Thrill Fiction: Attack the Block
1 Kim Jong-il dead BBC
2 profile of the ‘Dear Leader’ The Telegragh
3 Kaddafi tortured Businessday
4 Lindsay Lohan Playboy sales Daily Mail
5 The Exorcist The Numbers
6 The highest grossing horror film Box Office Mojo
7 John de Mol owns Endemol
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