Friday, 31 July 2009

Trophy Wife

The Rock of Love 2 highlight reel should not include Megan Hauserman. At best she was fodder albeit with two standout moments - one of them a TFi favourite:

The other was her elimination.

Megan debuted on Celebreality as an unknown. She was not unknown to all. Some Vh1 viewers also watch Beauty and the Geek (which can be seen on the perverted Channel 4 network here in the UK). Apparently she won the third series or something. That experience worked for her. Unlike Tamara and Melissa Rivers, much like Omorosa, Megan planned her exit strategy to a ‘t’. She was remembered.

51 Minds had more than plenty to choose from for their all-starlet brand new game show I Love Money. So they chose her. Amongst titans such as the Stallionaires, Whiteboy, Mr Boston, 12 Pack, Pumkin, Hottie, Red Oyster, Heather, Lacey, Bootz, Buckeey, Buckwild they chose her. Believe me there are more they could have chosen for Season 1 – Tango, Like Dat, Raven, Romance, the list is exhaustive. They chose Megan

Saggy boobs suck!

and a franchise was born.

Celebreality bitches tend to bellow a lot and deliver little

Not so Megan Hauserman.

In Mexico the all-starlets strutted with youthful and delusional confidence. Every one of them thought they could win (except for Midget Mac who was keeping it real. TFi to the midget – what flies in the ‘hood doesn’t fly in Huatulco). There was always only one person who could have won and none of the money grubbers had a clue until it was shown them on TV.

Walking off the Mexican set showed Megan was better than everyone else. You can stuff your quarter million dollars. In today’s money that’s only worth about a quarter million pesos. So off she went to Charm School complete with dog and bitch as entourage. She didn’t need Charm School.

Well I don’t really see myself as working. I

think a best fit would be like a

top of the line trophy wife.”

needed her.

51 Minds need her. Vh1 want her. It’s a shame I don’t fancy her otherwise I’d have borrowed a million bucks from T-Weed and applied for her show myself.

Megan Wants a Millionaire premieres on Sunday 2nd August.

You have been warned.

Read more Thrill Fiction: Daisy of Love 112

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Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Daisy of Love 112


The final three are off to Mauii with Daisy. Mauii is somewhere in Hawaii where the natives dress like its 1786.

I know a girl who dances like that. She charges £5 per lap at Long Legs.

The three dudes get to share a suite. Naturally Flex Pack leave their scent on London’s bedding.

The Rat is here.

He wasn’t going to miss a free trip out of the valley.

Daisy’s written a letter to each of the boys and messenger Rat hands them over.

My letter says I have an anger problem.

Vh1 that. That’s 51 Minds.”

“‘Confidence is great. But playing it so cool isn’t

very exciting for me. The truth is I’m not

exactly sure how you feel about me.’”


London’s turn.

What does this say?

London’s semi-literate. Which explains his song writing skills.

The guys meet up with Daisy on the beach. This is Hawaii. Then it’s a dinner date. This is where the lads get to make their pitches to Daisy’s fragile ego.

You’re someone who makes a person

want to do better than they are.”

You what?

Jerry Maguire? Or some tripe.

To London: “You’re 30 years old and you

have no job.”

Hear hear Flex. I’m a firm believer in if you want a woman you have to be man enough.

I don’t think London is though.

Flex wears his emotions on his sleeve and

he doesn’t know how to react under pressure

and Daisy doesn’t need a guy who every time

she messes up gets all pissed at everything.”

To 12 Pack: “I just feel like I don’t know exactly

how you feel about me.”

Daisy just comes right out and says ‘how do you

feel about me?’ and that throws my entire strategy

for the whole night completely off because I

wanted to do that not in front of Flex and

London but when it was just an

eye-to-eye and a heart-to-heart.”

This is the first time I’ve seen 12 Pack act a

little nervous. I think all of us are. There’s

three of us. Someone’s got to go.”

Daisy tells them someone’s got to go in the morning.

The eliminations.

They’re at an airstrip. No need for a boarding pass.

London was a shoe-in but 12p? She dumped 12p?

The bitch.

The good news is the Vh1 montage they put together for Dave. It’s reminiscent of the one the Entertainer got on I Love Money 208. We’ll be seeing 12p again. On I Love Money. On his own show.

Can I Have a 12 Pack

Wanted – Preppie girls, stripper sluts, a token hood rat but no rocker chicks.

Co-starring Caliente!

To pick up the scraps.

Oh yeah. Daisy’s still got a show to finish.

Individual dates with Flex and London. Flex first.

It’s an all-nighter.

There are rose petals on the bed a horny stripper and enough booze to get you through it.

Now it’s time for London’s date.

Have you ever sat on a nag? It’s televisual but it aint romantic.

There are no more guys to eliminate. Daisy has to make her decision.

This middle aged man is well captured in the musing of Jane Austin.

Flex: “It’s like walking the green mile.”

Get on with it.

Lucky bastard.

This show is over.

It’s been three months during which I’ve had the support and readership of many. You’re too many to mention. So I’ll start with Trixie you angel, Lex I miss you, Ms Fullwood I love your work, Turkish Jen you inspiration. Hi GG, Travelling Cat and Katzchen. I appreciate. What purpose does name dropping serve with no mention of Ricky Robot? So I’ll end there. My thanks to all who read this blog. Megan wants a millionaire. So read more Thrill Fiction.

Read more Thrill Fiction: What The French?!

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Sunday, 26 July 2009

Only Good Movies

I got an email during the week from Shane Rivers. He runs a blog called OnlyGoodMovies and he wanted an interview.

Now to put things into context I've got an ego. When somebody asks to interview me despite my kneejerk reation to sign an autograph and then sell it to him via ebay I thought it'd prudent to check the site out:

Our goal at Only Good Movies is to provide you with honest
movie reviews
that lack the buzz words and promotional
jargon used by critics more interested in marketing a
movie than providing you with a thorough and detailed synopsis.

Shane's site has reviews, interviews and trailers. It's well written, well laid out and up to date. You like movies? Subscribe to a movie site who's only agenda is in your best interest.

So I did the interview and he's posted it. It's all up there in my own words. So if you don't like what you read forward your hatemail to Shane.

My kneejerk reaction is to get a press agent. In the meantime I've got the Wicker Man post to finish.

Read more Thrill Fiction: The Last House on the Left

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Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Daisy of Love 110

12 Pack can play drums?

This week’s MVP

because 12p can also play people.

The eX(YZ) girls

Chi Chi has been sent home and the London feels the heat. It’s not from Sinister

I will bring you down to Chinatown.”


According to Heather’s rant at the I Love Money reunion 12p still lives at home with mom and pop which explains the frat Jersey boy point of view.

You want to get back in this house? Give me

a shot of Tabasco dude and maybe

we’ll think about it.”

That earns grudging admiration because this is Daisy of Love and not America’s Smartest Model.

They retire to the backyard. London came back into this house for a purpose. It doesn’t take him long to make his move.

Poor Sinister. First 12p now London. Daisy chose Sin over Chi Chi which isn’t saying more than choosing Iraq over Afghanistan.

You what?

This is how you give a girl flowers.

When Sinister went to pluck those weeds he lost his manhood along with a ring he’d been wearing for (allegedly) 12 years.

Did his parents give him a ring while he was still suckling?

Sinister goes all punk rock.

That’s coming out of your stipend boy.

Day breaks and Sinister regrets his last night actions.

… I should be able to express my feelings

and people should be able to understand it.”

An extract from Daisy’s diary informs the guys she wants to meet their exes. This of course makes no sense in real life – unless you like girl-on-girl violence.

Shannen Doherty vs. Paris Hilton

Shanna Moakler vs. Paris Hilton

It does however make ratings gold for reality TV.

So why is 12p smiling?

This is his ex Jamie.

Jamie:My parents flat out think he’s gay.”

I was thrown out of that house the second

she came through the door.”

So why is 12p smiling?

Daisy tells the guys that tonight’s elimination will be a double. It’s the semi-finals y’all.

Bring out the X- women.

Sinister’s ex Ashley.

Sinister likey the punk rats.

This is Cathy.

That’s why 12p is smiling.

I’ve known Cathy since 6th grade…”

That’s why 12p is smiling. They may have dated once upon a lifetime ago but now she’s more like a buddy/sister. Way to circumnavigate 51 Minds 12p.

I think the production company needs another brain. Give Daisy a producer credit.

Here comes Kia for Flex

and London’s old friend… Natasha.

From Rock of Love Bus.

You what?


This is not a fair game.”

Nose hit.

Daisy and her Rat take the girls outdoors for a meal and gossip. Cathy declares her hand immediately.

I honestly don’t have anything bad

to say about him.”

That’s why 12p is smiling.

This is going nowhere fast. Unlike the other girls Natasha has done the Vh1 reality initiation so she knows what’s expected of her.

He (London) might be dating someone.”

Now Daisy, like most hysterics, needs to constantly feed. This revelation is like a full course meal.

I’m just getting to the point where I’m

starting to trust London a little bit

and then I find this crap out?

Sex addict.”

Who isn’t?

TFi appreciates Natasha isn’t dropping her friend in it. Like 12p she’s here to perform a role. Besides at this point we all know who’s going to win. The good news for 12p is 2nd place practically guarantees a spot on I Love Money 3.

Okay let me break this down: Flex is a

heartbreaker that plays creepy head games.

12 Pack oh he’s the most perfect guy around.

London could be a sex maniac and may

even have a girlfriend still.”

Sex maniac was the term used before the politically correct ‘sex addict’. As in Bill Clinton is a sex maniac.

This is where reality bites: Ashley tells the world that Sinister is a wife beater.

It later transpires they were drunk and horse playing around and the ‘smack’ was accidental. Yet Vh1 chose to broadcast her initial assertion.

Buyer beware: reality TV will ruin your life.

But now I have something really important

planned. I figure the best most logical way

to find out which one of these guys is truly

here for me … Psychic readings.”

You could have told us that in 101 Daisy and saved us all a season.

A psychic is a charlatan on a TV show. This is not to be confused with a fraudster on a TV show eg Ricki Lake. Laurie is Daisy’s personal psychic and when she opens her mouth all we hear is her belly rumble.

to 12p: I think in a past life that you have had an

awful lot of responsibilities.”

Can we verify that?

Time for the obligatory mixer out back; booze is a great informer.

Cue the pack attack on London.

This whole ex-girlfriend mixer is just like

I expected. Tons of secrets coming out.

It couldn’t be any better than it is right now.”

Before things can escalate to Defcon 1 Kia goes and spoils it.

Even though she is Flex’s old flame it is 12p who does the gentlemanly thing.

Time to get rid of the crunk and disorderly exes.

Time for 12p to make his move:

To Daisy: “I think London’s a great dude.

You know what if he’s dating someone

then you decide if you want to get involved

okay? As far as Sinister’s concerned I don’t

even know which girl was here with Sinister.

I think Flex is a great dude but it looked

like he was about to make out with his

ex-girl the entire night tonight.”

12p is an all-star celebreality TV veteran. He’s been in the mix with New York, the Stallionaires, the Entertainer, Heather, Trophy Wife Megan, Whiteboy and Mr Boston.

The other three never saw it coming.

To wit; Daisy wants to know who each one thinks should be in the final with them.

12 Pack.”

12 Pack.”

12 Pack.”

I’m just sitting here in amazement that all

three of these guys would be foolish

enough to tell daisy that I should be

the guy she should be with.”

12 Pack you’re coming to the final with me.”

They never had a chance.

The eliminations:

Someone is going to Maui with 12p.

And Daisy.

It’s not Sinister.

She choose London.

And Flex.

Hey. She’s not going to get a second series so she might as well milk it.

Next week on Daisy of Love:

TFi: If you were expecting a recap of the recap show do yourself some funny and read all my recaps.

Read more Thrill Fiction: Daisy of Love 109

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